


rip the plaster

by ttlmtbee



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2020 Era (Phandom), Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, One Shot, Reality, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26114452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ttlmtbee/pseuds/ttlmtbee
Summary: dan isn't sure if things are moving too fast or too slow. nothing is going according to plan. he doesn't know what he's doing. but maybe it's time to just rip the plaster.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 24
Kudos: 64





	rip the plaster

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes you have 4 very short wips and decide to put them all into one fic which ends up being the longest one you have ever written. thank you to rose (luck-cat) and soph (perigeecoffee) for beta-ing!

_Hi Daniel,_

_I hope this email finds you well. I was sorry to hear about the marathon being postponed. As per our previous discussion, I have officially moved the announcement date back due to the circumstances. I hope you’ll find something to do in the meantime. Please let me know the plan moving forward._

_Take care, and say hi to Phil for me._

_Best,_

_Mike_

Dan read the email over again. _The plan moving forward_.

Last year, he hadn’t allowed himself to plan ahead. He had to stay in the moment or else he might explode. He had to focus on the task at hand. He didn’t allow himself to get his hopes up, in case his ten-year career came crashing down with that one upload last July. In case he chickened out and didn’t press upload. It seemed silly now, after it had gone better than he had ever hoped. After reading all the responses and seeing a future where he could be out and proud right in front of his eyes. After the best six months of his life, no longer holding his breath under every word.

After that, the plan moving forward was simple. Write. Meetings. Travel. Live. Be himself for the first time without cameras watching. Take some time. Prepare. Come back. Always come back. Once he had something to come back with.

Then it was done. And there would be promotion. And the marathon. And they were going to finally _move_ and own their own place. Things were _happening._

Then everything shut down. And Dan could feel himself shutting down with it. Who the fuck knows about ‘the plan moving forward’?

-

“The ‘tweet’ button’s at the top of the screen.”

Dan looked up from his phone at Phil. He had one headphone tucked behind his ear and was looking down at Dan leaning on him beside his laptop. Dan elbowed him in the side and swiped Twitter away.

“I’m just saying! It’s been a while you might have forgot…” Phil joked.

“Fuck off,” Dan laughed. He opened Twitter again, just for a moment. People being creative. People not paying attention. People being productive. People not taking anything seriously. People happy. People hurting. People moving forward. Dan was stuck.

-

“Your hair’s getting so long, you look like you’re growing a dog on your head.”

Dan messed the fingers of his free hand through Phil’s hair, the other scrolling through Tumblr on his laptop.

“Hey, you’re one to talk, Frodo.” Phil retorted, pausing the Switch in his hand to sit up and mess with Dan’s hair. Dan used to hate his curls, especially when he was a teenager – just wanting to fit in and be _cool_. As they got older, Phil used to run his fingers through them every morning. Dan liked his curls now.

“Oi…” Dan said, giving Phil a glare before going back to scrolling.

“I was thinking about cutting it for a video,” Phil mentioned offhandedly.

“Your hair?” Dan clarified.

“Yeah,” Phil responded, saving his game.

Dan waited for the question. In the beginning of all this Phil had asked. It would be easy, offscreen in Animal Crossing or sampling one of Phil’s weird food creations. He hated saying no, even though he knew Phil didn’t mind. He was grateful when he didn’t ask at all. Phil tended to know what Dan was thinking without having to ask.

He knew it was what the viewers wanted - _flatmate/bestfriend/boyfriend cuts my hair! –_ but he also knew he wasn’t ready, not yet. He wanted to have something to give them, something to finally announce after nearly another year gone – but nothing was ready now. Hell, _he_ wasn’t even ready now. He needed something to show for himself after nearly another year away. He wasn’t sure when _Daniel Howell,_ queer activist, writer, creator, would ever be ready. He hoped soon.

“Do you think I can just use kitchen scissors?” Phil asked. Dan’s mind flashed to a brutal scene.

“No. Absolutely not. I’m not going to be stuck in this apartment with you and half your head shaved off accidentally,” Dan insisted. “Check Amazon I’m sure they’ll have something.”

“Would you not still love me if I was bald?” Phil pleaded jokingly.

“With your alien head? Nah mate, Norman and I are _out_ in that situation,” Dan said sarcastically.

“Who says you get the kid in the divorce?!” Phil responded.

“The aftermath of you going at your own head with kitchen scissors. No way the court would let you take him.”

Phil resigned with a grunt, and opened Amazon on his phone.

-

Phil filming was a comforting sound – something Dan had always loved hearing and watching in the past eleven years. It was the sound of Phil doing what he loved and having fun. It meant being able to see Phil all dressed up to film and giving him a good luck kiss. It meant getting to see his partner’s studious editing face as he spliced clips together on his laptop screen later. It meant being able to watch Phil make a fool of himself as he messed up his words or accidentally made a Not-Safe-For-AmazingPhil joke in the footage that didn’t make it into the video. As much as he loved creating, being able to watch Phil had its own benefits.

-

“It looks great Peej, we’re so happy for you.”

“Thanks! It’s been… quite the journey.”

PJ sat down on the couch on the other side of the screen. He looked over at Sophie with pride. They had bought a house, a beautiful house in Brighton. One with a studio and a grand kitchen and lots of windows and short walk to the sea. A home with room to grow and a garden and no stupid pet policy. Dan saw Phil turn away from the phone for a moment to look at him.

“We’ll have to come over as soon as we can, we’ve been _dying_ to get out of London,” Dan laughed.

“There’s a spare bed ready for you when you do!” Sophie smiled. PJ smiled too. Sophie’s words hung in the air for a moment. How long had it been? Four months? Five? It took a second for Dan to realize they hadn’t left London since January. Hadn’t seen PJ and Sophie since Christmas. Eight months ago.

“Hopefully soon,” Phil said, breaking the silence. Dan angled the phone camera to him.

“Yeah,” PJ replied.

‘Anyway, thanks for the tour! We need to call more often if it means interior design porn,” Dan joked. Phil punched him in the arm. PJ laughed.

“Definitely. We should get going though - Soph’s parents are dropping off the dog.”

“Dog!” Phil said excitedly. “Jealous. Say hi to Speedy for us.”

“Will do. Bye guys!” PJ said.

“Take care!” Sophie added. Dan and Phil chimed in their goodbyes and Dan hung up the call. Phil leaned into Dan’s shoulder and sighed. Dan put down his phone and reached for his laptop on the coffee table. Dan opened his email. Clicked on the message that had been starred in his inbox since January. Opened the photos.

“We could still do it, you know. Move in August. We’ve already signed the papers.”

Their house. On the outskirts of London. Close to the tube and to cabs, away from the noise. There was a yard. Windows that took up full walls. Lots of natural light for the plants, exposed brick for the aesthetic. It was an old house. They were doing work on it. Or rather, they were supposed to be having work done on it.

“It’s not done, remember? Renos been off since March.”

“It was mostly done though! What’s left? The kitchen and bathrooms are done…”

“The yard. The spare room. Soundproofing the office…”

“We can do some of that.”

“Phil, I’ve seen the disaster you did to your hair, I am not letting you anywhere near power tools.”

“I still have that cordless hammer drill…”

“We haven’t even gone furniture shopping…”

“We would be doing that online anyway, and we have enough to start here. Dan, you’re coming up with excuses again.”

Dan paused then, looking at Phil. The man he loved. The man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The man who knew him better than he knew himself. Phil spoke up again.

“Say the word and we stop it all now. If it’s not the right place or if you’re not ready to move out of central yet or if you’re worried about the money… Anything. We can call the realtor, we can sort something out. We can rent it or something.”

Dan rotated himself on the sofa to look him in the eyes. “Phil, there is nothing in the world I want to do more than move into that house with you.”

Phil smiled.

“Well, maybe one thing but Miss _Rona_ had other plans,” Dan put his left hand against Phil’s. A band of white gold on either of their ring fingers. Phil took Dan’s hand and kissed it.

“Fuck it. Let’s do it. Rip the plaster.”

“Get married? What?! Over Zoom?” Phil asked, half laughing half shocked.

“No you dingus, move!” Dan laughed and pushed his laptop back onto the coffee table as he stood up quickly. ”Is it even allowed right now? Can we get movers to help? Are you going to have to drive a moving van cause I am _NOT_ getting into a large vehicle with you behind the wheel…”

Next thing Dan knew, Phil was standing beside him and a kiss forced him to shut up.

“One thing at a time.”

-

Dan heard the bathroom fan turn off in the next room as he tried to finish the email he was writing. The light from his laptop screen was cool and bright in the dimly lit bedroom.

“You almost done?” Phil yawned, padding into the room in his boxers.

“Yeah, just sending this email to Mike, updating him on everything. Trying to set up a meeting for later in the week to go over the new dates and stuff.”

Phil got into the bed next to Dan and leaned into his side. “What happened to NNSW Daniel?” He scolded, but he was smiling. No news, social media, or work in bed. Something Dan had suggested about week two of lockdown. Still, Dan could tell Phil was happy to see him working and being creative again.

“Sorry, I’ll make it up to you,” Dan replied, kissing the top of Phil’s head.

“Is that a promise?”

“Shut up, I’m trying to work.”

-

Phil was clacking away at his laptop when Dan walked into the lounge.

“What do you think about a plant tour? Goes with the new merch, shows that I don’t kill _all_ the plants, kinda shows the apartment before we leave and we won’t be able to do it for much longer with the invasive box species taking over the apartment…”

Dan sat down on the sofa next to him and leaned on his shoulder. Phil’s video ideas doc glowed from his laptop screen. “Probably the perfect time for it, you’ve been wanting to do one for ages.”

Phil nodded and closed his laptop, looking around the room. There were plants _everywhere_ in the flat. Dan could tell he was planning it out in his head, starting to figure out the plan, thinking about how to make it entertaining. Dan didn’t know how Phil’s brain worked, but he loved being near him when he was thinking. Dan had been thinking too.

“Do you want help? I could shoot for you? Probably easier than moving the tripod around…”

Phil looked down at Dan. Dan looked up at Phil. He could see the cogs moving in Phil’s brain as he tried to determine if Dan was doing this because he wanted to or because he felt like he had to. He wanted to. He saw Phil working out a reaction that was excited but not _too_ excited, all this in the span of less than a second.

“Sure, yeah, sounds great,” Phil decided. Dan smiled, and curled more into Phil.

“Tomorrow, then?” Dan said, deciding he didn’t want to move.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, kissing Dan’s forehead and reaching for the remote.

-

Dan knew the audience would be able to tell. Phil’s face was different. His voice was lower. His mannerisms more relaxed. He was _Phil_ – not that he wasn’t always, his _AmazingPhil_ persona had been less of a persona for over a year now _–_ but this was _Phil_ Phil. His Phil.

Of course they had spent every day of the past four months together, _fuck_ , every day of the past eleven years together. But _god_ did he miss this. They were just two halves of the same machine, communicating through eye contact and tone.

The dropped hints, like they always did when they were up to something. Hid a box in the back of a shot, showed a bit more out a window then they normally would. Stuff the audience would pick up on. It had become a habit to scroll through the tags on Tumblr and see what they all had found. Some was a reach of course, but others were spot on. When they were done filming, Phil was smiling.

It reminded him of before, a time he didn’t _want_ to go back to for a number of reasons, but one he did look back on with a kind nostalgia. He thought it would have had to be all or nothing, either they were _Dan and Phil_ or they were _Daniel Howell_ and _AmazingPhil._ He thought he had to wait, make his next appearance big and dramatic and important. But maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was overthinking it. Maybe it didn’t matter anyway. Dan was there, they were a part of each other’s lives. They didn’t have to hide anymore. This was _fun._ It had been a while since making videos was fun.

Phil needed help with the next video as well. He didn’t need to ask.

-

The apartment, of course, had never been _theirs_. Not really. It was a rental, not a forever home. But it had been a home for two years. It was where they had come home from tour. It was where they had filmed the two biggest videos of their careers. It was where DanAndPhilGames had ended. It was where their lives with Norman had started. Here it was in boxes.

They booked a moving van. They helped the movers pack their lives into the back of a truck. Martyn and Cornelia texted, saying they wished they could be there. Phil joked that Martyn came up with a pandemic to get out of helping them move. They took one last walk around. The dents in the wall from camera equipment. The scuffs on the floor. Marks in the plaster from posters and picture frames. Phil sighed in the old _AmazingPhil_ room. Dan remembered the day Phil had fainted in the downstairs bathroom. Steve was on the balcony, leg fully healed, Scraggy beside him.

“I think they know,” Phil said. Dan nodded, and squeezed Phil’s hand. He continued, voice subtly breaking towards the end of the sentence. “Do you think we can bring them to the new house?”

Dan couldn’t tell if Phil was at least partially joking. Dan squeezed his hand again and pulled him into a kiss. Dan was tearing up too now. He wasn’t sure exactly why.

They’d waited for this for years. The world was a _mess._ The year had been turned completely upside down. Nothing was going according to plan. His project hadn’t been announced, the marathon was cancelled, they hadn’t gone to Mexico or L.A. or anywhere else they were supposed to go. Dan couldn’t figure out if everything was too fast or too slow. He wasn’t sure really of anything.

Except this. Phil’s hand in his. Moving. Moving forward. Moving on. Starting a life together. Things finally _starting_ again. This was good. This he was sure of. 

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @ttlmt


End file.
